Even The Best Feel Unsure
The following is an adaptation of an article that appeared in our February 2016 Coaching and Leadership Journal.
By nature, human beings are comparers--our happiness depends, at least partly, on feeling better off than other people are. Studies have shown that many of us would rather earn more than our co-workers, even if that meant earning less money overall.
And we judge our output similarly--we call it a success if it’s as good or better than other people’s. But there’s a huge problem lurking here. We’re comparing apples with oranges—or, as the saying goes, comparing our insides with other people’s outsides.
That person on stage who you think is so smooth might well be a panicking wreck inside. You could never know. In fact, if they’re really good, they probably are panicking inside.
Research suggests that the so-called “impostor syndrome” may get worse as people get better—the more accomplished you get, the more likely you are to rub shoulders with ever more talented people, leaving you feeling even more inadequate by comparison.
The genuinely untalented, meanwhile, probably have no idea that they’re no good—because they’re too untalented to realize it.
This is the “Dunning-Kruger effect,” inspired by the tale of an incompetent bank robber who thought rubbing lemon juice on his face would make him invisible on security cameras.
In short--if you’re worried you don’t measure up, that could well be a sign that you do.
And the truth is, deep down, is that we all feel as though we’re just winging it.
“I have written 11 books,” said the late Maya Angelou, who was renowned as a novelist, poet, and memoirist, “but each time, I think ‘Uh-oh. They’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.’” Angelou was a remarkable talent, but she was equally remarkable in being willing to admit that she didn’t usually feel that way.
This is something that is even harder to keep in mind today, when our lives unfold in public on the internet and on social media. We use these, naturally enough, to showcase the best parts of our lives but we forget that we’re only seeing everyone else’s highlights. We’re not seeing the sleepless nights, the abandoned attempts, the moments of despair and self-doubt.
None of this is an argument for abandoning self-criticism completely. Holding yourself to exacting standards, within reason, is a vital discipline for improving yourself. But it is an invaluable reminder to never take other people’s facades as reliable evidence of what’s going on within.
The trick isn’t to find ways to eliminate the edgy, nervous feeling that you might get as you are around those you believe to be more talented than you. Instead, it’s to remember that everyone else is feeling it too.
We’re all uncertain at times and not sure we know what the hell we’re doing. Which is fine and as long as we realize this, we can change the game!
—Dan